I miss you.

Dear Dad

I was inspired to write you a letter after I saw John’s letter to you on Facebook. I didn’t really know what I should do today. It is 3 years since you’ve died. I can still remember the sequence of events that day. The disbelief. The lack of understanding. The complete sadness. The guilt for not coming to visit more often. I carried that with me for a while. I didn’t know what it felt like to lose a part of your family. To understand that you will never see them again. Never be able to phone them and chat.

I understand death a bit more now. Everyone said the sadness would be less in time. I agree that is true on a daily basis now. But on those days when you should have been there or I need you, the pain is unbearable.

This year I forced myself to stay busy. To work and stay focused on here and now. It’s been three years so I didn’t know if crying was alright. People have strange perceptions of the way others should behave when it comes to death.

Today I remembered you. Happy moments. I played the Beatles and recorded a cheesy song. It didn’t really work, but the thought was there. I wanted to sing Let It Be, but it wasn’t on Rock Band. I pictured you playing with the Rock Band guitars and how into the game you got. I tried to convince mom to buy you an Xbox just for the Beatles game. I started to feel sad when John shared a link to a video about Christmas in Heaven. I didn’t want to think about another holiday without you. I told him I couldn’t watch it because I couldn’t cry …I had to get ready for work. The rest of the day I wore my strength. I didn’t want to feel sad. I wanted to remember the happy times. As soon as I got off work , it was time to allow myself to miss you. To cry. To write you this letter …and to know it is ok.

The one thing I wanted today was to say that I miss you. I think you would get a kick out of all the stuff that’s been happening these past few years. I really wish you were here …but I know you’re around in your own way.

I love you Dad.

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an Epic Gamer Girl in real life ;)